Valorie Burton has a rule in her book Rules of Resilience that Michelle and I love: Don’t pretend, don’t defend. When something goes wrong, most of us do one of two things. We pretend it isn’t as bad as it looks, or we defend ourselves and explain why it wasn’t our fault.
Sadly, I know both moves well.
I’ve also learned, slowly and painfully, that they cost me the same thing: time. Every minute I spend spinning the story is a minute I spend not fixing the problem.
Don’t pretend
Pretending might sound like “It’s fine.” “It’ll work itself out.” “That’s just how it goes.”
Or it might go the other direction. “This is a disaster. Everything is falling apart.” That’s pretending too. It’s just doom-and-gloom instead of pie-in-the-sky.
Either way, we’re describing a situation that doesn’t actually exist. And there’s no way to make good decisions based on imaginary circumstances.
That’s why I think Max De Pree was right when he said the first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. Accurate reality. Not better than it is, and not worse. Just what is.
It’s harder than it sounds because we don’t like gaps. So when we’re missing information, we supply the missing pieces ourselves. And we usually don’t even notice we’re doing it. As a result, we often end up with multiple stories about the same events: your story, my story, and the true story. As leaders, we need a hunger for the true one.
Here’s something that helps me. Be careful to separate facts from assumptions, and hold your assumptions loosely. You’re probably wrong about some of them. When new information shows up, change your mind accordingly. That’s not weakness. It’s what you should do.
Don’t defend
Defending is pretending’s cousin. It’s the explanation we concoct before anyone asks, the blame we pass along, the reason it wasn’t really on us.
John Maxwell says you can go from failure to success, but you can’t go from excuses to success. Failure is something you can learn from. An excuse is a way of making sure you don’t.
If you made a mistake, own it. If you sucked at something, say so. You can’t conquer what you won’t confront.
Here’s one more thing ownership does. It frees us up to actually solve the problem. Because if I’m part of the problem, I can also be part of the solution.
A quick test
Next time something goes sideways, try asking yourself three questions:
What actually happened? (Facts only.)
What assumptions have I added to fill in the gaps?
What part of this is mine?
That last question is the uncomfortable one. It’s also the one that gets you moving.
Interested in building a culture where people tell each other the truth? Book a free discovery call.
