Beware the Fool’s Choice: How to Spot—and Solve—False Dichotomies
I love hating false dichotomies!
The first time I really understood the concept was in the classic book Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler. If you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor and add it to the top of your list. I draw on its principles almost daily—it’s made me a better communicator and, frankly, a better person.
The big idea of the book is this: we tend to do our worst communicating at the most important moments. These moments—what the authors call “crucial conversations”—are defined by three things:
High stakes
Varied opinions
Strong emotions
Most of us approach these situations with a sense of dread because we think we only have two choices:
Be honest and damage the relationship, or
Keep the peace by biting our tongue, even if it means letting bad behavior go unchecked.
That’s what the authors call the fool’s choice—and it’s a classic false dichotomy. The truth is, you can be both honest and respectful. You can speak up without blowing up. In fact, the people who are best at navigating these moments don’t choose between honesty and harmony—they create a third path that honors both.
And once you learn to spot a false dichotomy like this one, you start to see them everywhere.
Why I Can’t Let These Go
I think one reason I’m so drawn to this idea is because I’ve always had a stubborn streak when it comes to problem-solving. I’m not patient—just ask anyone who’s seen me try to start the weed whacker. Let’s just say I can relate to this poor guy. But when it comes to figuring out something that really matters, I lock in. I start thinking, I don’t see it yet, but there has to be a way to get this done.
That mindset—the refusal to accept “either/or” thinking—is a kind of superpower. And false dichotomies are a great reminder that those third options really do exist. We just have to look for them.
Here are a few more that have challenged my thinking lately—and some ideas for how to spot them in your own leadership and life.
1. Care Personally vs. Challenge Directly
This one comes from Radical Candor by Kim Scott. According to Scott, many leaders fall into one of two traps:
They care personally but don’t offer important feedback (ruinous empathy), or
They give tough feedback but with little concern for the person (obnoxious aggression).
The sweet spot? Radical candor—a balance of both. It means telling the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, but doing it in a way that shows you’re in the other person’s corner.
🛠️ Try this: Before giving tough feedback, ask yourself two questions:
Have I earned the right to speak into this person’s life?
Am I delivering this from a place of care, or just to get it off my chest?
2. Psychological Safety vs. Accountability
Another common false choice: you can either create an environment where people feel safe, or you can hold them accountable.
Not true.
Real psychological safety doesn’t come from designated “safe spaces” or promises of consequence-free feedback. It comes from clarity, consistency, and shared standards.
In the best teams, safety is rooted in accountability—to one another and to the mission. Everyone knows what’s expected, and no one is above the standard. People speak up not because they feel entitled to, but because they feel responsible for the outcome.
🛠️ Try this: Make team accountability a shared commitment. Instead of asking, “How do I hold them accountable?” try, “How do we hold one another accountable to the mission?”
3. Consistency vs. Mediocrity
Michelle brought this one up recently, and it’s been rattling around in my brain ever since.
Consistency is powerful. You won’t get far without developing habits that serve you. You don’t chop down a tree with one swing—you keep showing up, swing after swing. And eventually, the tree falls.
But here’s the twist—actually, two of them.
First, you don’t get extraordinary results from ordinary effort. If your swings are half-hearted, it’s going to take a long time to drop that tree—if it ever falls at all.
Second, you won’t succeed if you’re swinging at the wrong tree—or using the wrong tool. Imitating someone else’s path or following habits that don’t align with your goals will never get you where you want to go.
Consistency doesn’t guarantee success. It only amplifies whatever you’re doing.
🛠️ Try this: Ask yourself, “What am I being consistent about?” If your habits aren’t aligned with your goals, no amount of repetition will move you forward.
So What Do We Do With All This?
Here’s the practical takeaway: the next time you’re stuck between two bad options, slow down and ask:
“Is this really an either/or… or is there a better third way I haven’t thought of yet?”
When you find yourself saying things like:
“I can either speak up or keep the relationship…”
“I can either hold them accountable or make them feel safe…”
“I can either push harder or stay consistent…”
You’re probably staring at a false dichotomy. And naming it is half the battle.
Life—and leadership—are rarely binary. The best outcomes almost always come from finding the third option. It’s not the easy way, but it’s the better one.
And that’s where real leadership shows up.
