Certainty vs. Curiosity

The older I get, the more I’m struck by people who think they know. I’ve written about it before, but lately it feels almost epidemic. It brings out some of our worst tendencies—arrogance, close-mindedness, tribalism, even hostility.

To be fair, we all think we’re right. Whatever position you hold on a subject is the one you believe is correct—otherwise you’d hold a different one. No one intentionally chooses a view they believe is wrong.

But here’s the thing: not everyone was born at your house. And one-size-fits-all only works with socks—and even that’s debatable.

Why Understanding Others Is So Hard

Experts in genetics—of which I am certainly not one—tell us human beings share at least 99% of our DNA with every other person on the planet. That’s remarkable commonality, biologically speaking. But the remaining 1% produces extraordinary diversity—different skin tones, hair textures, eye colors, body types, physical abilities, and more. There is truly wonderful differentiation in how we appear.

Yet I’d argue the differences in our lived experiences are far greater than our physical differences. You likely had a very different life journey than your next-door neighbor. And the farther away someone lives, the more those differences tend to grow. I spent most of my life in central Mississippi. My experiences are very different from someone who grew up in California or Vermont—and even more different from someone raised in another country.

Relating to someone whose experiences differ so much from ours is difficult. They don’t see through our lens, and we don’t see through theirs. Beyond DNA, our lived experiences often share very little overlap.

A Lesson from History

In recent decades, many historical figures have been reevaluated as we view them through modern lenses. I’m not here to argue whether those reassessments are right or wrong. That’s for you to decide.

What isn’t debatable is this: people who lived in earlier eras inhabited very different worlds than we do today. They had different information, different norms, and different experiences. And it’s hard for us to relate to that.

We tend to judge people from the past using what we know now rather than what they knew then. But who wouldn’t look flawed under those circumstances? I look back on my own 58 years and cringe at decisions I made when I was younger. You probably do too. But I was a different person then, living in a different season, doing the best I could with what I understood at the time. I don’t need future me wagging his finger at past me.

Perhaps we could extend that same grace to others—especially those whose opinions differ from ours.

The Humility Test

We all come from different experiences, and what works for me might not work for you. Now, I may think it will—otherwise I’d try something different myself. And if I believe I’ve found something helpful, I might share it with you in good faith. That’s not a problem. Trying to help each other is a good thing.

But here’s where we get into trouble: believing I’ve figured something out doesn’t give me the right to lock horns with someone who thinks they’ve figured it out differently.

That’s not conviction.
That’s arrogance disguised as certainty.

Choose Curiosity Instead

There’s a better approach.

Choose curiosity instead of certainty. Let go of assumptions. Ask questions—real ones, not rhetorical ones. Questions that invite conversation rather than shut it down.

Because conversation isn’t dueling monologues. It’s an exchange of ideas.

Yes, I should share mine. But it also means listening—really listening—when you share yours. Listening for meaning, not just words. Paying attention to tone, pauses, and what isn’t said.

Strong leaders understand this instinctively:

The Curiosity Principle: Hold your beliefs with conviction, but hold people with curiosity.

The Real Test of What You “Know”

I think I’m right. Most of us do. But I’m trying to choose curiosity instead.

I can be confident in what I believe while still being open to what others believe—and why. In fact, testing my beliefs against other perspectives is what strengthens them.

After all, how can I trust what I think I know if I’ve never examined the alternatives?