Before You Call Someone Toxic, Ask This
Not long ago, my wife and business partner Michelle made an offhand comment about toxic employees. It wasn't planned or polished, just something true she said in passing. It struck a nerve with more people than either of us expected.
Since then, we’ve had more conversations about toxicity and I’ve done a lot more thinking about it. "Toxic" gets thrown around very freely these days. So freely that I think maybe it's starting to lose its meaning. And when a word loses its meaning, it stops being useful. Worse, it can start doing damage.
Here’s what I mean.
Not Everything Uncomfortable Is Toxic
Some people are quiet. Some are blunt. Some want every detail nailed down before they'll move forward. Some disagree with you, push back on your ideas, or hold you accountable when you'd rather they didn't.
None of that is toxic. That's just people being different from you.
If you start labeling every personality that rubs you wrong as "toxic," you're not identifying a problem employee or a broken culture. You're revealing a blind spot in your own perception. Different isn't dangerous. Destructive is. And there’s a big difference between the two.
The Three Questions That Actually Matter
Before I put the toxic label on anyone, I ask three questions:
What did they actually do? Not the story I've built in my head about their motives. The actual, observable behavior.
Is it a pattern? Everyone has a bad day. Everyone has a bad moment. One mistake doesn't define a person, and it shouldn't define how I view them.
What's the effect? Is this behavior damaging trust, or the team's ability to function, or am I just personally irritated?
That third question is the one we tend to skip most. It's easy to confuse "I don't like this" with "this is a problem." They're not the same thing.
Where It Actually Crosses the Line
When behavior does cross into toxic territory, it usually shows up in one of four places:
Dishonesty and taking credit for others' work,
Gossip that erodes trust behind people's backs,
Chronically dodging ownership, leaving others to carry the load, or
Using power to intimidate, humiliate, or manipulate.
Those things are always worth naming and confronting directly. They should never get a pass.
But here's the harder truth: most of us have been guilty of at least one of these at some point. Who hasn't gone along with something we knew wasn't quite accurate? Or participated in office gossip? Or slacked off on occasion? I know I have. You probably have too.
Two things can be true at once. We should have a zero tolerance for toxic behaviors, and we should extend as much grace to people as we possibly can.
The Leadership Takeaway
Toxicity is real, and it deserves to be confronted. But so does our tendency to reach for that word too fast. Before you write someone off, run the test: What did they do? Is it a pattern? What's the actual effect?
Sometimes you'll find a real problem. Sometimes you'll find a mirror.
Next time, I want to talk about what happens when the person exhibiting toxic behavior is the boss. That's a different conversation, and an important one.
If any of this hit close to home — yours or someone else's — I'd love to talk it through. Book a free discovery call with M2 and let's figure out what's actually going on.
